I need to write...

I need to get out all the pain, frustration, aggravation, and every other damn emotion I am unable to shake. I try to write to get some of these emotions out on paper but my thoughts become a jumbled mess. In my head they are clear. It is clear what I need to say or write but when it comes to getting it out whether on paper or out of my mouth it comes out in a jumble. I wish it came easier to me. I think it would make things easier if my mind could connect the two; from what I think to what I write or say. Who knows maybe I am not making any sense as I write this very blog but at this point I don't care. I need to write. I may just decide to delete it anyway. I always feel bad for those who come to read my blog with my very unclear thoughts. But anyway... on to what I actually came here to do. To vent...

Hmmmm....

Where do I begin...

My ex, this is where the pain, frustrations, aggravation, and every other emotion begins and ends anyway isn't it. OK well maybe not ends but this is defiantly where it began. He or maybe me or maybe both is where this mess all started. Why do i focus on all the things that I can not change. Simply focusing on the fact that I may not have been wife of the year but I certainly didn't deserve this. Why focus on that, whether I deserved it or not it has happened and there is nothing that will change it. Move on damn it! I also find myself talking to my ex like he is my best friend. While some people would think this is great, at this point it is not healthy for me to call him sobbing. Granted at this point I don't have anyone but my family to call because friends seem to be scarce. Calling my ex just makes the pain worse the next day. I know this and I still pick up the phone. And sometimes he listens and comforts me and other times he gets defensive and angry. This is not healthy for either of us. But what else do I do when I am sitting in my quiet house at 11 at night crying because I feel lost and lonely? What do you do when your best friend is your ex who betrayed you in the worst possible way?

Speaking of best friends... What the hell happen to my best girlfriend? I have always known she was self absorbed. I have always known that when it came to choosing a guy over her friends the guy would win. And not just choosing but we are talking completely forgetting she has friends to devote her entire life to a guy who she will get tired of in 6 months. Who cares that I am the one who never missed a single doctor appointment when she was pregnant with her daughter or that I allowed her to live with me rent free in a time of need. She left me walking on the side of the road for God's sake. I found out my husband has a love child and instead of picking me up she left me walking on the side of the road because she had a party to go to. Why do I even consider her a friend much less my best friend? Why do I miss her now that we aren't speaking? And to set the record straight, she is not speaking to me because I called her out on the fact that she wasn't being a good friend. Did she really think she was?

On to the most recent frustration in my life... I hate having to start over in the dating scene. It sucks. I keep seeing the commercial for the new movie, "He's Just Not That in to You". I want to make that trailer disappear because every time I see it I question my very new relationship. I question it even more with the lack of communication over this past weekend and the unanswered texts. He has a lot on his plate but couldn't he just let me know that we are ok and that he will be back in touch as soon as everything is settled. I guess he can't really say "we" are ok because we never talk about us. And maybe that is the issue. I was all about talking about feelings before but with everything that has happened I have become uncommunicative I don't talk about how I am feeling and since he doesn't either it all just goes unsaid. Not sure how to solve this one either. Do I tell him how I feel or do I just go with the flow?

There are so many unanswered questions in my life right now. I hate unanswered questions. I like to have a plan. I have no plan. Where do I go from here? I probably ask myself that question a hundred times a day. It is driving me nuts. I think I am actually going crazy! So here it is, my jumbled thoughts. My spelling is horrific, my grammar is terrible, and on top of that I have no idea what I am saying but I need to write! Sorry to those who are actually reading this.

Oh and my solution to all this tonight... Drink to much wine!